As kids, my sister, friends and I, played a cyclical game where we, or our dolls, posed as people we wished to be: movie stars, singers, store owners…etc. We then introduced the ‘invisible man,’ a policeman, doctor, pilot…etc. Kissing air, wedding plans and babies followed…and then we changed our, or the doll’s dresses, and transformed to another person, say a figure skater, a fashion designer, an architect, and then we introduced the new ‘invisible man,’ planned another wedding, popped out a few more kids…
My daydream themes changed around middle school when I observed two things. First, shortly after our alter egos reproduced, the game became boring, and secondly, my parents’ childless friends seemed so much younger, more hip, and more interesting than parents of the same age. We also learned a little more about the facts of life…which reserved all the pain and disfiguration for the females, neither of which appealed to me.
Without the baby last name game to contend with, why I asked, should anyone submit to marriage either? One can hyphenate every branch of their family tree but someone will always feel left out, and if true love does exist, which I believed at the time, why devise a contract to prove it? I embarked on the adult world with three rules: no kids, no marriage, and no cubicles.
As adults we tend to pity the misguided ideas comprised by youth with little experience of the world outside their ken, but then sometimes we look back between then and now and wonder where we fell off track. I say now that I respect who I was more than what I have become, but only because we find simplicity attractive, and I had a simplistic vision that I could escape domestic trappings.
During cocktails briefly before I moved in with Derek, an old friend begged me to remind her why she never wanted children. Shortly after her marriage every member of her family had become a pundit for procreation, and she felt her fortitude on the subject fading, especially after her spouse suddenly switched sides. Answering her question came easily to me, as I confidently rambled off the perceptions of a 17 year old, which I devotedly adhered to for years:
- Ouch. Ouch-Ouch, OUCH!
- Skin is not as elastic as advertised, bones leach of calcium, hair grays earlier, holes don’t close…and bye-bye- butt, it will never be round again unless you put a whole lot more effort into it.
- After 5 years of parenting you start favoring certain clothes and hairstyles that leave casual observers guessing whether you’re transexual or just a mom.
- Now that you lost your looks, and every approach of romance must happen quietly behind the scenes anyway, your other half no longer finds you attractive. Neither of you will broach this topic, instead you’ll start to fight about whatever little thing that always annoyed you but love had formerly absorbed. Don’t worry about divorce now, ten painful years will ensue where you smile through your spite for the sake of the child.
- There goes 1/2 your income! Plus more if one spouse opts to stay home, stunting their career as well. But your career is no longer your own anyway, you choose jobs based on benefits offered, and pass up opportunities that involve travel…for the sake of the family.
- There goes your social life…every night out involves coordination and payment of a third-party, but you’ll be home early anyway because God forgive you might get tipsy, how responsible would that be?
- Your life is no longer your own, most of your time and energy now must be subverted to keep vigilant on another.
About a year later she gave birth to her daughter. Advice is easier to give than to follow. I had also eschewed marriage on similar grounds, arguing just as vehemently as follows:
- If your love needs a legal contract to bind you together you already have issues.
- People change, and/or, get bored.
- A marriage license averages around $50, a divorce costs $400 at minimum, we know where the government is placing their bets.
- Once you become bored of each other you’ll start contemplating kids.
We create excuses to override what we know in order to accept what we want. I know the facts of #3 by experience.